Category: Writing

Yoplait Plentiful Greek Meets Oatmeal Sucks

Since I had my oral surgery, I’ve been eating mostly yogurts and soups. I’ve been pretty creative with grocery shopping and I’ve been trying new things.

Well, I decided to try the new Plenti Greek Oatmeal Meets Yogurt cups. They were utterly rancid. I mean, I have never ever tasted anything as awful at this yogurt. It was an abomination. Horrible texture, slimy yogurt, and the consistency of paste with a similar taste. How this product made it past the taste test, I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you Google it there are HUNDREDS of results from mommy bloggers. Surprisingly, each one is very positive.

Unsurprisingly, each one is sponsored by Yoplait. They must have hit up thousands of mommy bloggers, offering them a pittance of a week’s coupons in exchange for their sweet little lies about their yogurt’s awful taste. They constantly explain leaves them full and comes in great packaging, clearly reading from the same PR script they were sent as suggestions for what their posts could contain.

Yoplait effectively SEO bombed their own brand using mothers and health gurus through paid sponsorships.

I probably shouldn’t be shocked. But honestly, I work in video games. I don’t know the perils of food blogging. I didn’t realize moms were all basically taken over by corporations, spamming coupons on their tiny Blogspot powered sites. Mommy blogging is apparently a quagmire of sponsored posts, censored opinions, and product placement. What a depressing corner of the web.

And what a bad yogurt experience. Truly wretched. Yoplait, your yogurt sucks, and Yoplait Plentiful is truly awful.

You don’t have to pay me for this review, either.

On the End and H1Z1

H1Z1 is a zombie survival shooter set in a virus ravaged world. As the infection ends, it’s up for people to fight the environment as well as each other for a life in their new, post-apocalyptic reality.

That’s what it’s supposed to be about, anyway. But for me lately, in addition to killing people, it’s been about breaking up with my long-term boyfriend and a beige house along Mosquito River.

The house I’m talking about sits unassuming on the end of a block, a road to the front and a river to the back. It’s a two story home with a large garage, its architecture both modern and turn of the century, taking heavy cues from the era of plantations and southern belles. It’s neither dark nor light, just a mixture of brown and white that blend to be somewhere right in-between. It’s the largest structure in the Pleasant Valley neighborhoods to the east, sequestered away on a car packed street that forms a grid which feeds into Avram Highway—a long stretch of busy road that runs to Bubba’s Truck Stop if you go to the end.


In Defense of Lara Croft’s Humanity: How a Trailer Changes Everything if Gamers Let It

Lara Croft sits on the chair in the shadows, her face obscured by her hoodie. A man is talking but she isn’t listening. Her leg and hands twitch involuntarily as he drones on. He’s her therapist and he’s telling her important things, but like I said, she’s not really listening. She’s somewhere else thanks to PTSD; a darker place, a place with torrential downpour and arrows flying and blood.

Lots of blood.

When I was sixteen, I went to therapy and I twitched and I was somewhere else as well. And then I was diagnosed with PTSD–the flashbacks not of rainy cliffs and murdered men, but flashbacks nonetheless.

That’s precisely why I’m excited for Rise of the Tomb Raider which was announced at E3 today. I mean, in addition to the amazing gameplay, graphics, and unique story it will undoubtedly contain. I’m excited because it’s nice to see the series continuing the path on which it started in making video games’ first dynamic and realistic heroine.

At least, as realistic as a fictional character with infinite lives can be anyway.


This Isn’t the Article I Wanted to Write About Tomb Raider

This isn’t the article I wanted to write about Tomb Raider. In fact, I had an article that was a lot more poetic; there were lines about agency, the environment becoming a character, and how Tomb Raider truly was a next gen title that was my game of the year.

Instead this is an article about Lara Croft being choked to death.

There’s a scene fairly early on in the game where our young, intrepid heroine is being stalked through the forest. Her innocence is shattered; her friends are being brutally shot around her, their screams echoing in the distance as they’re murdered. She crouches against some old ruins at one point, finding a brief reprieve from the horrors she’s witnessing unfold. Suddenly a man surprises her, grabbing her and lifting her up by her throat. His hand clamps over her throat and he begins to choke the life out of her. She starts struggling. She has seconds to live.

If you don’t hit the right series of buttons, she’s choked to death in front of you. Her body goes limp in his hands, her face goes blank, and he laughs the cruelest of laughs.