Well I don’t know, but I’ve been told, you’ll never die and you’ll never grow old

Growing up is so incredibly weird. Sometimes I can close my eyes and see the girl who used to wear really dark eyeliner, singing along to “Karma’s Payment” by Modest Mouse in her friend’s basement after drinking vodka for the first time. Other times, I realize that was ten years ago and I have no clue who that girl was.

I couldn’t see her today when I realized that I want to have a kid.

Not now of course. I’m not one of those awesome people who is so mature in their mid-twenties that they can have a child. I mean, I still rage quit League of Legends and I really hate doing my dishes and I forget to check my mail all the time and I can’t mop floors well. I should probably fix one or two of those things (along with finding a husband, buying a house, and tons of other Really Adult Things That Terrify Me that we won’t go into).

But I want to have a kid. Someday.

I’m not really sure what’s changed. A few years ago I was so anti-child it was disgusting. Moreover, I was proud I wasn’t going to be a mother. I looked down on people who had kids in their late teens or early twenties because I was never going to have one and I was never going to contribute to our planet’s overpopulation.

But, like I said, now I want to have a kid.

I guess this means that the angry twenty year old Rhea’s mostly left my blood stream and that she’ll be gone by the time I’m thirty completely. For years though, she’d convinced me that she’d never want kids. She’d never want to get married. She’d never actually grow up.

For years, that anger was palatable. It fueled me. It made me feel alive, like really alive–the only thing tying me to this planet and this life.

Then one day on Christmas Eve, I’m browsing Reddit and reading about a guy who got his kid a DSi for Christmas and I find myself thinking I should do that–when I have a kid, you know.

This thought almost doesn’t phase me. In fact, I realize I’ve been having it a lot lately. That’s the thought that does phase me, though, mostly because it’s so honest and natural it feels overwhelming. A complete departure my entire belief system I constructed years ago out of brick and mortar and other permanent fixtures that weren’t meant to change five years later on a whim.

I guess, though, they do change. And maybe that’s why growing up is so incredibly weird.

3 comments

  • Jerico Fitzpatrick December 25, 2012

    I don’t blame you for wanting to have a child now. I have three brothers and a sister who all had their first kids when they were teens. I felt really outta place being the ONLY sibling of 5 to not have a child. The one thing I do want is to give my mom a grandchild of mine. I lost my dad at 17 and it would break my heart to bring a child into this world without getting the chance to meet the most wonderful mom on the planet. The truth is I’m not sure if I’ll make a good father or not. My nieces and nephews love me to pieces and I love them so much too, so I have had experience around children. I laughed a bit when you said you were anti-childish at one point. Don’t even feel bad about that. As soon as my nieces and nephews hung around me I couldn’t believe how my brother’s and sister got by on a day to day basis. I’ve changed since then tho. Reality has set in. I won’t be on this planet forever and I would like to make my mark on this world one day. You’ll find someone one day to have a family with Ash as I will too. If you put half as much effort into being a parent as you do with all the work you do for Wowhead and the online community… you’ll make the perfect mother. Sorry for the long comment (it won’t let me paragraph it lol.) Merry Christmas!

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  • David Carlton December 26, 2012

    I remember when a switch flipped in my brain from not caring one way or another about having a kid to actively wanting one. It was unexpected. Turned out great, certainly!

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  • Ken January 1, 2013

    I think this is something that’s better to realize later rather than sooner. One of my wisest friends (who is a father in his prime) told me I need to make sure to have my own adventures first before having kids, so that I’ll have plenty of stories and experiences to share with them. If you’re too young when you begin, you’ll have a lot less to offer them.

    So maybe it’s not so bad that young Rhea existed because you know what it felt like and while it’s less familiar now, that only serves to affirm what you’re feeling now. There’s something to be said for balance, and it sounds like the current version is a lot more aware of that than the previous one.

    The only thing I’d caution is having thoughts on a whim while reading reddit, because that could lead to a lot of weird things or owning far too many cats. :P

    I also want to say I just discovered this site while looking up old WoW people and your writing is still really compelling.

    -Jibba

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2012 - Modified Rockwell theme. Background from League of Legends and it's copyright to Riot Games.