No matter where we are, we’re always touching by underground wires

Maybe your mid-twenties is an awful time to realize that relationships consist of two people.

That your hurt isn’t uniquely yours. That there’s someone else who has feelings as well. That their feelings matter equally–no more, no less–to yours. That it’s not alright to just react to your feelings in a vacuum. That they’re only human, just like you, and aren’t infallible.

It’s an awful time because it’s something people often get after their first high school relationship. But all these years and a handful of relationships and somehow I never learned it; I always felt like I was an island, caught up in my emptiness and completely isolated in a sea of love. I turned that isolation into emotional distance. So many people have loved me and I’ve loved a couple of them back, I know that, but my love was always broken and faulty and conflicted. Maybe it’s because my dad used to abuse me, maybe it’s because I play video games and I’m emotionally immature, or maybe it’s just because I wasn’t ready.

Like I said, maybe your mid-twenties is an awful time to realize that relationships consist of two people.

But it’s better late than never, right?

While I’m at it, so this post just isn’t intensely awkward and personal, here are some songs I have listened to a lot lately:

Placebo – “Meds”How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me, and the consequences / I was confused by the birds and the bees, forgetting if I meant it
The National – “About Today”You just walked away and I just watched you / What can I say? / How close am I to losing you?
Of Montreal – The Past is a Grotesque AnimalSomehow you’ve red-rovered the gestapo circling my heart / And nothing can defeat you / No death, no ugly world

1 comment

  • Jerico Fitzpatrick December 22, 2012

    Another well written post Ash. This reminds me of a time when I loved this girl and I thought she loved me. She led me on to believe that we could have a future together. I was too clouded by what I thought of her to not move on… and it cost me. I went into High School actually being scared to ask anyone out. The painful part was that many of the girls who I wanted to have a relationship with also may have wanted one with me. However I was too broken up over what had happened in the past. The girl I loved now has a boyfriend and they are expecting their first child. I wish them the best.

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